I used to be someone who would, with naiveté and pride, stand up and say that I have not been affected by cancer. I almost used this as a shield and for protection from an unseen enemy. I unwittingly and ignorantly believed that because of this fact, I could go on indefinitely without feeling this impact. When I was 28 and pregnant with my first child, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I watched him go through surgeries and treatments and have time periods where he was so healthy and living life. Then it would come back discretely and the process would start over again. I admit, and with some regret, that I failed to understand or make the effort to learn to understand the magnitude of that journey for him. He passed away after 8 years of fighting and chasing and constantly trying to tamp down the flames of cancer that continued to rage throughout his body.
5 months after his death, at age 36, I found myself in my doctor’s office after finding a lump in my breast during a self-exam. I had felt a lump 2 years prior and went through the poking and machines to find that there was nothing there. As a result of that experience, I educated myself about what to look for and continued to check – often and routinely – so when this lump changed, I quickly connected with my doctor. This time was different. I saw it in her face, I knew it from her response. I was referred for another mammogram and ultrasound, which ultimately resulted in my own diagnosis of triple positive invasive ductal carcinoma on September 24, 2018. Cancer consumes everything for a time. Things start moving very quickly. There is a sense of urgency and responsiveness. I began chemo within 3 weeks of being diagnosed. Knowing this would change my appearance and demeanor, I had to share this news with my two small children. At the time of my diagnosis they were 4 and 7. I had very few answers and knew so little myself. How do I talk to them about this? I did the best I could with transparency and as much strength as I could muster. The way people showed up for me during this time was nothing I could have ever imagined. It revealed the greatness of some relationships in my life that I’m not sure I would have known if not for this experience. I will be eternally grateful for that. I would complete 16 rounds of chemotherapy, 28 rounds of radiation, 12 additional infusions over the course of a year, 2 surgeries to complete a double mastectomy and an additional exchange surgery to remove breast expanders and place breast implants. Not to mention the countless doctors’ appointments, scans and essentially anything else I was asked to do. At this time, I continue to take 6 pills daily of an oral chemotherapy to prevent recurrence and daily hormonal medications along with a monthly injection that places me in chemical menopause. Because my cancer is hormone receptive, this helps to decrease the hormones in my body that could ultimately feed my cancer cells. At the time of my most recent scan, there is no evidence of disease in my body. The relief of that lasts only as long as the time until my next unexplained ache or pain. Cancer continues to invade my thoughts, though I do my best to not give it more than it deserves. It doesn’t get to define me and my life. I get to do that.
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